My Type

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I never really understood the concept of having a type. I never felt a preference of whether a guy had blond or brunette hair, or blue or brown eyes. My friend always said it was important to her that her boyfriend be athletic and blue-eyed. I mean, sure, that sounds like an attractive combination, but so does a blond-haired surfer type. I have always been open to any shape and form of guys, but I finally landed on what I believe to be my type.

I’ve dated and talked to a wide variety of guys over my 18 years. I’ve been with jocks, dorks, and outcasts. I’ve liked blonds, brunettes, and redheads. I’ve met both sensitive and rational guys. And I’ve been attracted to them all, but only one has really worked out so far on a level of me truly liking that person.

I don’t need the hottest guy around. I don’t need an athlete. I want the smart, conservative, somewhat dorky guy. Those are the ones I’m really attracted to! I appreciate their intelligence and thoughtfulness. I enjoy their ability to converse and think on a deeper level. I respect their nerdy interests.

I’m glad I’ve finally recognized this so that maybe I’ll set my eyes on more guys in this category and weed out the rest. Only time will tell if this is truly my type, but it certainly seems to be so. And I’m not ashamed one bit! If that’s the personality that best fits and compliments me, then I can embrace it!

What’s your type? And if you’re unsure…trust me, so was I!

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To the boy I had to let go

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This is a compilation of thoughts over the last several months since my boyfriend and I broke up, and I finally have decided it’s time to post. I’m sure more thoughts will occur eventually, but I believe I have come to a good stopping point for now. Hopefully some of you can relate and be encouraged by this letter.

To the boy I had to let go:

I haven’t stopped missing you, but you hurt me in ways that will take a long time to repair. I can’t help but think back on all the adventures we took, laugher we shared, smiles and tears we exchanged. All of the great experiences we had together make me want you back all over again. Seeing the decisions you have made after our breakup, I’m led to believe that I was cheated on. Maybe not physically but emotionally. You had already moved on to another girl. And while I stuck it out in our relationship for months, staying true to you and us even when I was constantly on the verge of giving up, you did move on. You did give up. Maybe you getting in another relationship so quickly was just a desperate act of needing companionship, but to me it seems like there was something going on before. I don’t appreciate the things you are doing right now, and it has hurt me just as much as everything else you did to me throughout our relationship. I’m thankful in some respects that you were in my life for so long, but I also wonder why I had to be put through all of this pain. I don’t like to question it knowing that God is in control, but I wonder why I was given you. You’ve made me doubt that there’s any good in me and all I see are my flaws. I’m terrified that’s all anyone sees. Why did you control me for a year? Why did you degrade me for a year? Why did you yell at me and put me down for a year? Why am I sitting here watching you move on from our so called “love” so quickly and easily? I’ve never had so much emotional pain in my life. For all of the happy memories we have, there are so many other negative ones. I always wanted you to be mine. I wanted you to be perfect for me. You seemed…”it!” But the lust wore off and the true you shone threw. I should’ve run when I had the chance early on. I was so sucked in by you and your control that I didn’t ever break it off when I should have. I’ve given myself much more pain in the long run than I needed. While you were fun and silly and adventurous and a great companion senior year, some days I’m not sure it was really worth it. I’ve finally lost the sound of your voice and the smell of your skin. I miss that. I want you to love me the way I always thought you would; the way you said you would if I gave you a second chance. I want you to make up all those mistakes to me. I don’t regret a lot from our relationship and I definitely don’t regret it overall, but there are a few things I wish I had done differently. And it upsets me that it took me this long to realize that I was emotionally abused by you and did nothing. But I also wish I could tell you how happy I am for you and how much I miss you. I wish you would’ve changed during our relationship or that I had tried harder. I wish we never had to break up, but I can’t imagine the burden we would be to one another right now. I hope you still remember me, but I feel like you are the type to repress your past. I think I’m finally starting to feel good about moving on. You were an important part of my life and that year and a half with you will live with me forever but I’m ready for us to each move on in our lives. I’m ready. 

Words of Affirmation – My broken but much needed love language

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It’s taken me a long time to finally understand and accept the fact that my ex boyfriend emotionally abused me. And it wasn’t until I’ve started considering getting back into a serious relationship that it has really affected me – and a lot harder than I ever thought.

Our relationship wasn’t great. I came to accept that a long time ago. We weren’t right for each other, he didn’t love me like he should have, blah, blah, blah. What I didn’t realize was that all of theses excuses were covering up the true abuse I faced. He always put me down and never made me feel good about myself. He made me think that I had a ton of negative traits and no good ones. He never cheered me on when good things happened in my life, but was the first to go on a tirade when I made a mistake. He would yell at me or give me the silent treatment in school or when we were at an important event. He was critical of everything I said and did and took it all personally. He just never saw any good in me.

And now I find myself finally opening back up to the possibility of a serious relationship with someone and all I can hear in the back of my head is negative comments. I am over critical of myself and everything I say, and I am worried constantly that I’m saying and doing the wrong things.

I’m scared. I’m scared that this new guy will only see my flaws too; that he won’t think there’s any good in me. I don’t see it in myself anymore, so I don’t know what he sees!

We went on our first date yesterday, and it was really great! I worried the entire time and for hours afterward though about everything I said (or didn’t say) and did (or didn’t do) and I cried last night thinking about this guy only seeing my flaws.

But one comment he made has stuck out to me ever since. We were talking about an incident from a week ago when a group of us went to the amusement park. I was telling him that I felt bad for our friend because he was disappointed that we hadn’t ridden anything by about halfway through the night, and I knew he didn’t have the money to come back, so I tried to get him on a ride and eventually they did ride a rollercoaster (I hung back with my friend that didn’t want to)! So the guy I went out with says to me, “That’s really great how you want everyone to be happy. That’s really commendable.”

That’s honestly the nicest thing I’ve ever heard.

After being beaten down and never praised, someone finally says something nice to me.

But I have to relearn how to take these compliments and believe that they are true and appreciate them because right now they aren’t taking away the year’s worth of bruises I was given. If this guy stays around though, I hope he continues to compliment me in a meaningful way because that’s what I need.

That’s what I appreciate more than anything.

Equal Intelligence Attraction

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I’ve always been hesitant to talk to others about this aspect of my life, but it’s an interesting idea that I feel everyone agrees with on one level or another.

I need a man that is just as – or more – intelligent than me.

I don’t want to sound like a brat, so please don’t take any of this the wrong way! I’ve always been a pretty smart person and excelled in school and enjoyed learning. I love shows like Jeopardy and learning new information in school that I can go home and talk to my dad about. I’m a grammar nazi and enjoy puzzles and word games in my free time. I would like someone that values intelligence just as much as I do.

My mom always told me that it would be hard for me to find a guy because I come off intellectually intimidating. In some ways I feel this is true, but it’s usually not seen unless you know me pretty intimately. But yes, I value intelligence and like to be smart, and I would like the man I marry someday to feel the same way in some respects.

I always enjoyed learning something in my history classes and going home to talk to my dad about it on a deeper level. I want this with my husband someday.

In my last relationship I thought I had finally found someone that was smarter than me – or at least equal. I felt that we matched each other in that area, and it made me super happy, but somehow even he was intimidated by me. I think it came from his own personal insecurities, but I didn’t help by excelling over him when it came to grades on paper. (It makes me laugh because the girl he’s with now goes to a high school in our state for like the brightest of the bright students…are you intimidated by her too??)

The other day I was talking to one of my good guy friends and we both made a connection over our shared dorkiness in how we both created a language in middle school (smh). It made me so elated though to hear that someone else did weird smart things like that too, and he and I were talking about where words come from and who created the first dictionary and decided to define all those words. I enjoyed that conversation more than the sushi I had the other night! I really respect his deep thinking and nerdiness.

This guy is a possible relationship candidate someday if I’m being honest, but for now he was just good inspiration for a blog post – which I’m sure he’d be okay with anyway!

I hope it’s not rude of me to want someone that is on the same intelligence level as me, but I just appreciate it! Let me know what y’all think!

College Reflection: 1 Month

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  1. I didn’t realize how much I would value even five minutes to myself while also craving company. In college you are constantly around people – you have a roommate, you eat with friends, you go to class, you go to clubs, you go to work, you volunteer. Not much is done by yourself – sometimes not even studying. In one way, I have learned to love this, and I miss the interactions when I end up being alone for whatever reason. At other times, I realize how great it is having an hour to myself and my studying.
  2. You miss home-cooking and food variety that you actually enjoy A LOT! Of course I prefer my mom’s cooking to anything on campus – that’s a no brainer – but with all of the meal options, I thought I would never get tired of my choices. It’s been a month. I’m tired of my options. It’s hard to find a good variety of different things I like more than anything. And one day they have three things at lunch I like, and I can’t stuff it, but the next day they have nothing I like. SMH.
  3. Breakfast with my little group Monday, Wednesday, and Friday is the best! (Even though I’m not a morning person.)
  4. No curfew to be concerned with is second best!
  5. Having a roommate you like is key, but it’s okay if it takes a little while to find one you do like.
  6. Having faculty treat you as an equal makes you feel very mature and respected.
  7. Going to a small school has its benefits: orientation is very busy and personal which helps avoid homesickness by 1000%!
  8. FREE STUFF IS BETTER THAN THE BEST!
  9. 8ams are definitely the worst – especially with a monotoned, lecturing professor
  10. High school does NOT prepare you for college. They might say they do, but they don’t. None of your professors give you a study guide or guidelines to what’s going to be on the exams like in high school. They don’t teach to the test in college – which I appreciate. But it’s hard!
  11. Listen to your superiors when they tell you that time management is the most important aspect of college to master. There is so much time and also so many things to do that it can be hard to decide when you should be doing one thing or another.
  12. Throw away high school when you go to college. Do not stay stuck in high school. College is low drama so leave the high school antics at the door. And don’t be tempted to go home so often for ANY reason – you will miss out on A LOT. College is worth it to put some things like high school in the past.
  13. Find the positives in everything – God put you at this school for a reason.
  14. Learning to say no is also very important! It sucks sometimes, but know your limits and don’t push them too far.
  15. But – also try to experience as much as you can!!! Outdoor theater productions, hypnotist shows, midnight bowling, and late night IHOP and Walmart runs after football games are all very worth a little less sleep for a night.

Importance

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Coming to college really puts your mind into overdrive when it comes to prioritizing. Everyone tells you that you need good time management skills at college and that prioritizing your time is one of the hardest things to adjust to, but I didn’t realize the extent of it until I came to college myself.
It’s more than a balance of getting your work done amidst class, but you also have to decide what you value most and what is most IMPORTANT to you. Is it your friends? Is it that paper that’s due on Friday? Is it your work study? The soccer game? Watching Netflix? There are so many decisions to make and so many hours in the day to split up, but it’s hard to discern what needs to happen when.
I love spending time with my friends, and I’ve also met someone recently, so I put a lot of time into hanging out with all of them. Today I became very overwhelmed with work that I had pushed off to hang out with my friends, and I had to find a way to calm myself down.
One of my professors said today that it’s not your big house or luxury car that you want when you are on your deathbed; it’s your children, siblings, friends, significant other. Your relationships are what mean the most at the end of the day. While my education is the reason I’m here, and I must put time into that as well, I know that the relationships I make here and forever are going to be more important to me than anything else in my last days. That’s what’s most important to me.
I’m still learning how to prioritize, but I’m learning a lot of other things as well along the way. I’m so thankful for all the people I’ve met here, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything! I will continue to value my education while I’m here and the clubs that I’m involved and focus my life on Christ ultimately, but relationships can’t take a backseat; they get shotgun.

What true love looks like

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I’ve been feeling conflicted with this idea for the last year or so with entering a serious relationship and then leaving one. The two different perspectives have given me different ideas on what true love looks like, and I’m starting to question it more as well as find a clearer answer. Here are some things I’ve determined:

True love is when someone will go to any length for you.

  • At my graduation party my best guy friend came and stood in a corner for an entire hour by himself because he didn’t know anyone at the party but wanted to come to see me and support me. To me, this is true love. We are not dating and he’s not my boyfriend or a love interest at all, but he cares about me enough to put himself in an uncomfortable situation to support me. I think that’s true love.

True love is when you want to please the other person because it pleases you to see them happy.

  • Any time my best friend wants to do something her boyfriend goes with it and embraces it. He likes to see her happy and satisfied so he will take her to any movie or dinner or activity she wants. In return, she does the same for him. If she voices any dislike over something he suggests, they won’t partake in the suggestion. It’s really sweet how he wants her happy over anything else.

But I’ve always heard that a marriage should be 50/50 and full of compromise, but I’m also told the guy should do what the girl wants most of the time in a relationship. I don’t know what is right or if there’s a way they both can be correct.

True love is still liking someone even at their worst and with every flaw.

  • I’m always scared when I get close to someone because of my “mood” that I’ve talked about before. It’s one of my bigger flaws, and I’m always scared it will turn off guys. If someone can embrace me – mood included – and learn how to handle me in that state and love me for it in the end then I think that’s true love.

To truly be in love with someone should you be able to pinpoint specific things you like about a person or is it okay to not know anything in particular you love but just the person overall – a feeling?

  • Any time I asked my ex boyfriend what he loved about me he couldn’t give me a straight answer. He would give me a moment or why he has this feeling that we were meant to be together but never any specific traits or anything. I always wondered whether this was okay or not. Or if it’s important at all.

I still have a lot to learn about love and what it means to be in love and find your true love (or one of). I’m not sure there will ever be clear answers to my questions and wonderings, but I do know God will give me someone to marry someday that truly loves me, and I won’t have to wonder anymore what it means. I can be confident that my husband embodies the qualities of someone who has true love for me and vice versa. Until this day comes I will wonder and pray.

Memories

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In Psychology we learned about amnesia: retrograde, where you lose all memories from before the event that caused the amnesia, and anterograde, where you lose all memories that occur after the event. Both sounded terribly sad and frustrating. We were asked the question though: which would you rather? 

I’m not good at thinking on the spot so I contemplated my answer for a while as my teacher went around the room getting answers from my classmates. I believe I answered retrograde, but the more I think about it recently, months after the discussion in class, I wonder what my answer truly is and whether I would really care if I had memories or not.

Tradition is important to me. My family goes to the beach every year and we have the same restaurants we go to on the same nights and the same activities daily. Without the memory of our enjoyment of these things from years prior, we wouldn’t continue the same traditions. In this sense I like memories!

When my grandfather passed away I was still young enough that I had very few memories of my grandpa, but the ones I had were positive; the two of us gardening together, him laughing, showing us slide shows of pictures he had taken over the years. In this sense as well I love memories!

But I’ve also come to dislike memories. Now that I’m out of the first serious relationship in my life, the good and bad memories of our relationship haunt me. The good ones just make me yearn for that connection again. The bad ones make me cringe and nervous for who my future partner will be. I hate these memories, and I wish they were erased so I would hurt less. 

While I always thought memories were the greatest things ever, and that question in Psychology was the hardest question I had ever gotten, I’m coming to believe having amnesia wouldn’t be so bad after all. At times it may give one a better quality of life in not having to replay sad or heartbreaking memories in their head, but at other times it would suck the life out of a person and add stress with the forgetfullness they face daily.

I cannot definitively answer the question about amnesia to this day because either way you put it, it’s going to have ups and downs. So goes life. What I do know is, sometimes I wish I could forget certain things and have amnesia for specific parts of my life! I do have to accept that it’s a part of our being though, and it presents its challenges only to grow us and make us stronger. 

Pass on the Thanks

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I attended a leadership camp last week at the college I will be at in the fall. It was such an incredible experience not only because of the things we learned, but also because of the people we encountered.

The school is known for having some of the greatest students and faculty, but it was present even just amongst the eight other future students attending the camp with me. They were all great people, and we formed a strong bond as a group over the week! What I learned from them over the week was just as valuable as what I learned in our daily sessions.

The dean of the school took us out for dinner two nights in a row. It was very kind of her to pay for all of us and join us for our meals. The first night, after we ate, one of the boys in my group thanked her, and I felt so bad that I hadn’t remembered to thank her until he said that. After dinner we had dessert at a frozen yogurt joint, and again another student thanked the dean before I could even think to do so. I felt so awful again. Then something changed in me.

I realized after these two separate times of not being the first to thank the dean for paying – or even really remembering at all – I shouldn’t be upset about it. Yes, I pride myself on being polite and saying please and thank you in all situations, but I can’t beat myself up for forgetting every once in a while. Instead I must use it as a reminder for the future.

The next night at dinner, I was the one to thank the dean first.

Over the week, my fellow students taught me so much and definitely made me a better person in the process just by leading by example. It was such a great feeling being surrounded by so many amazing people and role models, and I can’t wait to be surrounded by it on an even larger scale when school starts.

Don’t beat yourself up when you forget your manners or when someone else acts kinder than you. Pass it on the next opportunity you get! That shows you’ve learned, and that’s just as great!

Real love stories?

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Most people say that the love stories in novels and movies are unrealistic. They talk of uncommon “fairytale endings” and the total happiness the couples experience that doesn’t seem possible to find in real life.

I think these movies actually have HALF of the “love” story right.

These movies and books really only show the beginning of relationships. They show the initial intrigue and the lust that starts but isn’t always love. I believe the beginning of my last relationship felt just like a movie! But as life went on it changed and turned out to not be true love. 

The thing is, movies and books don’t innacurately depict “love” stories, they just fail to show the hardships that ensue after the initial attraction. So to viewers it looks like true love, but if we saw a sequel it might change the view.

This is still quite annoying though.

But I don’t fault the producers and authors for creating love stories like they do because although it might not seem totally real and accurate, we have to admit that we wouldn’t enjoy watching a movie every day that’s as disappointing as some of our own real life relationships. We want happy endings and great love stories because it makes us happy and hopeful.

So let’s not be too critical of the love stories we see on screen or paper. We’ve all experienced that initial strong attraction. And we don’t know where the relationships ever go from there. So just let the love stories make you happy and hopeful for your own possible love story!!