I know I’ve missed a few Thursdays (one was Thanksgiving so give me a break!), but the semester is winding down and I’ve been struggling with one thing in particular recently related to my relationship. It’s something I have dealt with my entire life and definitely affects my close relationships with people more than anything.
It’s no secret that I’m a Negative Nancy.
Now before I get into my main dilemma, I just want to preface that being a pessimistic person is not one of my favorite qualities of myself and I am by no means trying to justify myself in this post. It never has a good outcome when I choose to see the negative side of life, but lately it has been even more difficult for me to handle the emotions that come with my pessimistic personality.
My boyfriend is one of the most positive, easy-going people you will ever meet! I rarely see him down even if the world is slapping him in the face. He has 1000 obligations every day and his life seems so overwhelming and stressful sometimes. He’ll run 50 errands in a day while fitting in classes and work (and time with me) and sometimes a little sleep. Or he gets no sleep and he’s still an angel!
Honestly, his positivity is one of the qualities that I most admire in him. I feel that it has made a huge impact on how our relationship has gone so far, and for the most part it has influenced me to be a generally more relaxed person than I ever have been! I’m definitely grateful for this and wouldn’t want him any other way!
BUT I’m also very envious of this quality because, as I’ve said, I am a glass-half-empty kind of gal. It frustrates me {unfairly} sometimes because I wish I was able to blow things off and let small grievances slip off my back like he does. While sometimes his positivity rubs off on me and makes me feel better when I’m down, other times it just amplifies my frustration…
Look, I like to wallow; it makes me feel better to sit in my negativity for an hour or so, but when my boyfriend tries to make me laugh and feel better and say it’s all fine, I sometimes don’t want any part of it! And I feel bad because I know he’s trying, but it doesn’t always work on me. Sometimes I wish he would wallow with me!
I think the toughest part of it all is not that I get down and he tries to pick me up and I don’t want to be picked up and I’m envious of him being able to be positive through it all…no, the hardest part is that I’m always comparing myself to him and other girls that could have my place in his life, and I wonder how I’m good enough for him.
I look at him being so even-tempered and happy all the time, through every situation, and I feel like my negativity is just bringing him down. I feel like at some point in our lives he’s going to think “I’ve had enough,” and if he thinks it too late we are going to be stuck in a tough marriage…
But I also look at other girls around us that he’s friends with and interacts with and I see their smiles and hear their laughs and see them always wanting to talk to people and grant encouragement and I think, “Why wouldn’t he want them over me?”
Now before I get to the comfort I {try} to glean through all of this, I will point out that this is not an all the time thing! We really have a generally happy and loving relationship with very few conflicts! But lately I feel like I’ve started to get more dependent on him and have shared more small annoyances and complaints because I’m more comfortable sharing that side of me with him. But it’s hard because one of his first comments to me was how appreciative he was of my encouragement and support of the smallest things in his life, and I still absolutely love taking care of him and supporting him in every way possible, but I’m scared he’ll think that I’m completely different from that person he first met.
Anyway, the good news is that I am never going to be perfect. I’m never going to be as positive as him or as easy going. I will definitely try to be better about it, but I’m never going to master it. And that’s okay. Because 1. Jesus died for that very sin of me being pessimistic and not appreciating all of the small joys God has granted me with every day and 2. God doesn’t compare me to my boyfriend or anyone else; God will always seek me and want me no matter if my boyfriend or anyone else does. I just have to recognize it and have comfort in that. And also repent of my pessimism and ask for help!!
(But I hope my boyfriend wants me too!)
1 Samuel 2:2
“There is none holy like the Lord: for there is none besides you; there is no rock like our God.”